Dylan Moran at Comic Aid 2005
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Dylan Moran
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The “Best” of Black Books. I think there’s some better though…
“ Look I’ve got to tell you, I’ve applied for the job of the village hoor. It’s three grand a year, five if I agree to wear a barber and smoke a pipe while I’m doing it.
Dylan Moran (via fairylights)
I’ll share the hilariosity with you all. Dylan Moran in How Do You Want Me.
“ Don’t clap, I’m not a fucking jazz band.
Dylan Moran (On The Comedy Store, 1997) (via whitepajamas)
Dylan Moran
Manny: Do you have to drink quite so much wine?
Bernard: Yes I do! How else are we going to get candles in empty wine bottles?S02E04, ‘Blood’
Manny: Hello, sir! I am the information point! Can I help you?
Bernard: I hope so. I was looking for a pair of hobnailed boots. I want to jump up and down on somebody who’s trying to ruin my life.
S02E04, ‘Blood’
“ People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can’t remember my name.
Dylan Moran
“ It’s easy to smile when you have a squirrel’s intellect.
Dylan Moran
“ I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren’t any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I’d give that a twist.
Dylan Moran
“ My ideal body, you know, would be probably something like… erm… one eye, you probably only need one; a kind of sucker thing, instead of teeth because they just give you grief in the end, you know, and a long, long, long tube with my arse way over there… So I don’t have to deal with it. That would be ideal.
Dylan Moran
“ You see, most modern technology doesn’t work. It’s supposed to free you, but it’s a terrible trap, of course. Mobile phones for example - everybody has one now. I have one and they’re awful. They’ve completely ruined, I mean, people ring you up and say “Hi, it’s me, I’m in the bath!” and you go “Well, you’re still an asshole, I hope you drown, hello.” And they’ve completely dispensed with the whole drama of news, the simple idea of having something to relate, you know. When you could bound in from the garden and pick up the old Bakelite phone that weighted seven pounds and say “MIRRIAM’S DEAD”. You can’t do that anymore. You’re probably there! (pantomiming being on phone) Yes, her heads rolling back, spits coming out, her eyes are going everywhere, here I’ll take a picture - click - you see what I mean. Sheeee’s fucked.
Dylan Moran - on mobile phones.
“ So much adult conversation is just a bunch of lies! You spend so much time being polite to people, turning up and saying: ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, so sorry, I’m late. There was a traffic oh, awful. And I had to perform a trecotomy on a camel, with err… just using the garden sheers, it was very, very difficult, very very sorry.’ You should just be HONEST with these people. Come in and say ‘Errr, I knew you were here. Did you know where I was? I was at home, I had a bun! And it was delicious, because I knew you were waiting! I’ve never really liked you. But we have to get through this meeting… Can I get a drink please? Just so that I don’t have to look at you too much.’
Dylan Moran
“ People who get inplants, it’s so depressing, you know… People - i don’t know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here… well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!
Dylan Moran
